We’ve all been there. We crush hard on someone, dreaming of the day that they look into your eyes and realize that you two belong together. They take your hand, and whisper the words, “You’re the one”, and then you two go at it like monkeys in heat. Unfortunately, for those of us who don’t live in a Kate Hudson romantic comedy, this dream never comes to fruition because the love of our lives thinks we are just great friends. I’m talking about the friend zone. This depressing black hole of misery happens when the person you like only sees you as a friend, the word “friend” meaning “I would rather hump a rusty cheese grater than you”. You spend so much time getting close to this person, pretending to like what they like, buying them things, listening to them complain about their cat, only to find out that your efforts have put you firmly in the friend zone. Sure you guys are close, but sort of like how your siblings are close. You love them, but hooking up is illegal and produces nothing but horrible, three eyed mistakes. The scariest part of the friend zone? You could be in it and not even know it! I’m talking about months of hanging out while unknowingly being in the friend zone. How can you tell? Well, here are 8 ways to know if you are in the friend zone:
1. You only hangout in groups.
This is a big indicator. If you only see the person you like in groups, it may not just be coincidence. It’s fine to hangout with people, but alone time is needed for a couple to get to know one another. Sure you try and hangout just you two, but when you get to their place, you are not alone. Your crush also invited other people over knowing you were coming. This means that the thought of hanging out just you two is unappealing. You are going to have to put in more work for your crush to want to spend alone time with you.
2. Using pet names outside of a relationship.
Once you are in a relationship with someone, the pet names come. “Babe”, “Sweety” , “Honey”, “Wifey”, ect. This while nauseating, is fine when you’re definitely in a relationship. If you are not, and your crush calls you these names, you’re in trouble. They are terms of affection sure, but when used outside of a relationship it denotes friendship. When he/she says it, it means you two are close, but they are also reminding you that you’re their friend. They are familiar enough with you, acknowledging an understanding that they can use the term because we are such good friends. There is no sexual underline to it. So the next time your crush calls you babe, they are basically saying we are never going to hook up.
3. Telling you their secrets.
This is a confusing one, because one could mistake this for closeness. Sharing secrets is very intimate, and something that happens when you’re in a relationship. The other time that happens is when you are really good friends. Think about it, who knows your darkest secrets? My guess would be your friends, parents, or exes. So if you start to notice your crush is confiding in you a lot, you might be in the friend zone. The person trusts you and must like you a lot to share their secrets, but they don’t want to sleep with you. Would you tell someone you liked/wanted to hook up with that you were once peed on to relieve a jelly fish sting? I think not, unless you’re into that sort of thing. Different strokes for different folks.
4. Bringing up how hot other people are.
This is a classic friend zone indicator. If your crush constantly brings up how hot other guys/girls are to you, you’re in the zone. Noticing attractiveness is part of life. We are human and like pretty things. But if your crush likes to talk with you about how hot a person is, and it isn’t Bradley Cooper, you’re in trouble. Friends love to talk about hotness levels. If a girl talks about how hot another guy at a party is, she is indicating that she thinks this guy is hotter than you. But why would that offend you because you and she are good friends?
5. Getting dressed/undressed in front of you.
We all have that fantasy when our crush undresses in front of us and basically invites us to touch. Unfortunately, if they are comfortable enough to get semi-naked in front of you, then they are either a frat boy or a friend. You don’t want to show the person you like the goods before you are ready. There needs to be some mystery. When you’re with a friend however, you could care less. If your crush also asks you to help pick out what to wear, you’re in trouble. You only ask a friend for clothing advice, because you know they will be honest and give you your best chance at finding someone to hook up with at the end of the night. So yes, seeing your crush naked before you guys hook up is not always a good thing.
6. Working out with your crush
Ok, I know couples workout with each other. I personally hate it, but I know exists. However, working out is usually gross. You sweat, you smell, you make awkward faces. Who works out together more than couples? Friends. If your crush is comfortable with you seeing them grunting on an elliptical, that shows that they aren’t worried about having sex with you. To them, you are just two buds working out. If they were interested in hooking-up with you, they would make sure they look good. They make sure they aren’t wearing sweatpants and sweating like a whore in church.
7. Always paying for things.
Sometimes, people are just mooches. Buying things for people is always a nice gesture, and can defiantly grab the attention of your crush. However, if you seem to be constantly buying him/her things, literally paying for everything without any sort of reward, you’re in the friend zone. Think about it, would you stop hanging with someone who bought you stuff and you’re not even sleeping with them? That’s a pretty sweet deal. It gets worse when your crush knows you like him/her and uses it to their advantage. So put the wallet away! You wouldn’t want to be in a relationship in which you pay for anything, no matter how attractive the person is…..again Bradley Cooper is not involved.
8. If your crush only describes you as “Nice”.
Who knew a compliment could feel like a kick in the groin? Well it’s true. Being referred to as “nice” is about the worst thing that can come out of your crush’s mouth. She/He really likes you, because you are so nice. You are nice to talk to, you are nice to be around, and you’re just nice! Unfortunately people don’t want to hook up with “nice”. They want hot, funny, selfless, mature…pretty much anything besides nice. When they say you are nice, you might as well pack it in because you will never be the object of their affection.
I hope this helps all of those who are not having sex with their crush and wondering why. The friend zone is a dark and terrible place to be. No person should have to subject themselves to its torture. If you realize you are in the friend zone, get out now! It’s not going to change, and once you realize that, the happier you will be. Unless you are too “nice”, then there is no hope for you.
Written by: John Favinger
Check out the follow-up article: 7 ways to help you escape the Friend Zone